I Shall Believe
by Loisarah
Summary: Preseries, Benton and Rachel have a talk.


"I Shall Believe"

by Loisarah

email: Permission: Granted to Suze, all others must ask.

Disclaimer: Although I feel like I own one of the characters, as often as I write about her, I do not own either characters in this fic, they are property of Hanna-Barbera, and I am not writing this for profit.

Categories: Angst, Vignette, Past, Benton-Rachel HR

Author's Notes: This is an old story I found, and decided to fix up and post, and am now revising again. It takes it's title and inspiration from the song "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow, off her "Tuesday Night Music Club" CD.

She felt cold and empty, like something was missing. "Something is missing, and I'm a fool," she thought to herself, "only a fool would have run away from him."

If she didn't already feel so cold inside, the darkness and the rainfall would have made her feel that way. Instead of driving to her destination, or even walking under an umbrella, she'd rushed out the door with only a light jacket on, afraid that if she thought about what she was going to do, she'd loose her nerve, and run … again. That wasn't going to happen she'd vowed, he was too important to her. She'd finally found someone she didn't want to lose, and she'd run away from him… and she needed him so much.

Her need of him scared her, but she couldn't deny to herself that she needed him more than she ever thought possible. She didn't just need him in a physical sense, it was more than that… more than she'd ever felt for someone before. She doubted she'd ever find someone else that she needed as much, that would mean as much to her. She didn't want to have to find out for sure.

After twenty minutes she finally found herself standing in the night rainfall outside his apartment door. Her courage faltering, she just stood in the rain, arms crossed over her chest in a futile way of keeping herself warm. She should knock… she pulled one arm free, made a fist, but stopped short of actually knocking on the door. Taking a deep breath, she relaxed and knocked, feebly at first, but gradually getting stronger. She couldn't let her fear get to her this time. She owed him more than that. She owed herself more than that.

He opened the door, looking tired and disheveled, with that glassy eyed gaze that meant he'd been reading too long, supported by the book he held in his hand, one finger keeping his page. He was wearing jeans and an old t-shirt, and was barefoot. Rachel wanted to smile, but held back.

He stared at her in astonishment, unsure of what to say to her.

Rachel spoke first. "Ben… I am so sorry. Please, believe me." It sounded pathetic, even to her. She cursed herself… she said words she meant with all her heart, but couldn't make them sound more convincing. Just her luck.

He sighed. She stood outside the door to his apartment, dripping wet from the rain outside.

"Sorry? For what?" He asked, trying to appear to be unaffected at the sight of her on his doorstep dripping wet and cold, and looking so… alone. "For telling me that you wanted to marry me, spend the rest of your life with me, and then leaving town for two months, telling everyone **BUT** me?" He didn't even try to keep the anger and pain from his words, he couldn't even if he'd tried. He'd been holding on to it for too long.

Rachel put her head in her hands… her shoulders began to shudder, and he could hear her gasping and trying to muffle the sound of her sobs.

"Rachel…" he started toward her, arms outstretched, and then stopped, reconsidering. It was over between them… wasn't it? After what she'd done… he couldn't handle it anymore. He should have known better than to let someone in… they always hurt him in the end. Always.

She looked up in time to see his thwarted action, and crossed her arms, throwing her head defiantly to the side. Her false bravado betrayed her dismay.

"Can I at least come inside? Or do you want me to continue to make a scene on your doorstep?"

With a certain degree of reluctance, he stepped aside to let her into the small apartment. After she had walked inside the room he shut the door, lingering for a moment with his head resting against the wood of the door. He felt her arms begin to wrap around him from behind, and he quickly moved to the side, out of her grasp. "Don't," he whispered, looking away.

"Ben, please…" She stopped, took a deep breath, and looked at him before continuing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I really… didn't."

He laughed bitterly. "Right."

She looked at him defiantly. "I didn't," she said, louder. She wasn't entirely sure she was right, but she wanted to be.

"What, did you think I was so absent minded I'd not notice you weren't here anymore?"

"I just…"

He put his hands up to stop her. "I don't want to hear this, Rachel. Do you know what it's like to look for your fiancee and have other people tell you she's gone? Have them look at you like you're some kind of moron? Or worse, with pity? What you did… it hurt me." He walked towards the door again, hand on the knob, but not pulling it open yet. "I think you'd better just leave."

Rachel began to cry again, slowly, softly, not even trying to hide it this time. After taking another deep breath, she slipped the simple engagement ring off her finger and held it out toward him. "I guess you want this back, then."

He stared at it for a few seconds before taking it from her. "Leave, please," he said, looking at the ring, and not her.

"I'm sorry."

"Go." He stepped away from the door, not even moving to open it or hold it open for her.

Rachel began to walk out, frightened by the intensity in his voice. As she did, she stopped, and leaned toward Benton, reaching out to hold him. He stood still, arms at his sides, one hand clenched over the ring. "I am so sorry… please… just tell me everything's gonna be all right."

Benton almost smiled as he looked down at her, with her arms around him. "What, you need me to tell you that you're gonna be all right? You seem pretty good at making decisions for yourself." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice in that last sentence.

"I'm so scared. Please… believe me… I believe in you," she rambled, trying so hard to put her emotions into words.

Benton slowly pulled his arms out of her grasp and took her into his arms. "What are you talking about? You're rambling, Rachel."

"Don't I always?"

Benton almost smiled at that comment, but he needed to know what she was trying to say. "I need for you to make sense, Rachel. Why are you here?"

Rachel pulled herself out of his embrace and stood in front of him, looking at the floor. "I'm making a mess… it's so wet outside…"

Benton walked over to the couch and pulled the blanket off the back and walked back over to Rachel. He unfolded it and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Is that better?"

"Yes… thank you." She stood clutching the blanket around her before walking over to the couch. She sat down, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"You don't know what you mean to me," Rachel began to talk again, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "Do you know much I care about you… how much I love you? Or how you make me feel… what you do to me?"

Benton crossed the room to the couch as well, sitting on the opposite end from her. "No, I don't think I do."

"So much it hurts me. I want you more than anything, Benton."

"Then… why did you leave me?"

"I was scared… of you, of me…of how strong my feelings were. I've never felt that before. I don't want to push you away, but I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, that's what will happen in the end anyway. I love you… you make me feel… wonderful. And I feel so unworthy."

"Rachel… why? You're… Rachel… how can you feel that way?" He looked at her in disbelief. He'd had no idea she was so fearful. She always seemed so…fearless. Unaffected. Confident. This wasn't a side of her he'd ever seen before.

"I don't know… you're just such a great person, and…"

He cut her off, "Rachel…"

"No, let me finish." She took another deep breath before continuing, "when I'm with you, you make me feel so great… I'm not used to that. It scares me. The power you have over me scares me. I love you, more than anything, and I never thought I'd have that kind of love. When you tell me that you love me, that you know everything will be all right, I believe you, like I've never believed anyone before in my life. Or ever will again, I think."

Rachel paused, looking at Benton, but he just sat there, watching her, waiting for her to continue, letting her say what she came to tell him.

"I ran… because I was so afraid, and I didn't want you to see this side of me. I've always tried to be strong for everyone else, and I don't… I hate to feel this… vulnerable. Benton, you have to believe me, after I left, I knew I really wanted to run to you. And when what I'd done really hit me… really hit me, I thought it was too late to come back. Please tell me it's not, Ben. Tell me we'll be okay, even if you're lying, make me believe it tonight. I'll believe."

Benton moved towards her, and took the now sobbing Rachel into his arms. "Yes, everything's going to be all right." He didn't know if he was lying or not, but he repeated it again, softly, as he rested his chin on the top of her head, despite her wet hair. "Everything's going to be all right."

© 2001-2004 SEG and Home Sweet Cyber Home

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